my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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