Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
