Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
