Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
