as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
