When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
