I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Someone came in the potted fern
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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