I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
