You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
