SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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