Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
