I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
