I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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