my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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