I wanna passion pit in your ass
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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