I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
