youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
