Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
