mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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