highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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