News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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