you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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