I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
