Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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