Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
