I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
