Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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