you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
