I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I have grass duct taped all over my body
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
