At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
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