My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
