I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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