I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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