I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
