i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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