She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
