I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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