Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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