I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
