She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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