I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
