Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
