I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
