dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
