My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
