Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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