It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
