the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
