I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
