Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
