Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
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One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
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Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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