all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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