The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
