Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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