I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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