I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
