yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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