Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
