Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
