what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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