i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
