Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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